The Piechiatrist Says: Follow the Directions
Sometimes I get emails from folks who have drastically changed ingredients or steps in one of my recipes and then ask me why it didn’t turn out. They may rant and rave about how the seasoning was off, or ask why it didn’t turn out like their Auntie Edith’s pie. I ask questions so I can best figure out just what happened and many times there is a lengthy email thread that ensues as we diagnose. Sometimes it’s as simple as misreading tablespoon for teaspoon, or 3 g for 3 cups. In either case, that can be a big difference…especially in seasoning. Can you imagine what the end result would taste like if 3 cups of salt instead of 3 grams were to go into the filling? This hasn’t happened yet thank goodness! But, on occasion I’ve been asked to diagnose a recipe from someone else’s cookbook…that the reader has adapted. Well, I’ve given up on trying to do that.
Yesterday Joe Yonan, the food and dining editor at the Washington Post posted on Facebook:
“A reader writes to complain that one of my recipes — fusilli with corn sauce, a favorite! — was ‘very bland.’ I respond by asking whether she fully salted the pasta water, added all the salt and cheese called for, and added more salt and pepper to taste as instructed. She responds that she doesn’t add salt to anything because of her blood pressure. That gets my blood pressure going, too.”
His Facebook post started a rather lengthy thread of responses about how frustrating it is when folks change a well crafted and fully tested recipe and then write to question and complain that it didn’t work out. The Piechiatrist says, if you change things, your results may be, and usually are, different. Sometimes you do stumble onto a better way of doing things, and I’ve certainly learned some amazing tips and tricks from pie makers who attend my workshops, and also from the very active community of pie makers on Facebook at Pie Nation.
But just for fun, I responded to Joe’s post and he called my reply “Priceless!” I’m going to share it with you, but before you read it, I want to give a disclaimer. No one, let me repeat that, NO ONE has ever sent me an email or a comment telling me how they changed ingredients like what you are about to read. If they did, The Piechiatrist might suggest that they enter therapy as soon as possible and learn to follow directions more carefully. She would also say that there is some wiggle room but to use common sense when adapting a recipe. For example, just because flour is white, it doesn’t mean you can swap out another white powder for it. Good recipes are tested over and over. Wording is carefully and thoughtfully considered. The Piechiatrist suggests that you always try a recipe exactly as written at least once before changing it.
Now, on to this totally imagined and fictitious comment that I sent to Joe.
Dear Joe-
I tried making your recipe for Joe’s Best Apple Pie Ever for a family gathering last week. I followed your directions exactly but it didn’t come out at all like you said it would. In fact it didn’t taste anything like apple pie or look like a pie for that matter, Joe.
Here’s what I did:
- I didn’t have any green apples, so I used zucchini squash. Since they’re both green it shouldn’t have made any difference.
- And then ALL those brown spices you listed…well, I didn’t have them either, except for cloves so I put a tablespoon in because that is what all the other spices would have added up to if I had had them.
- I was out of sugar since my nephew was home and he had used it all up on his fruit loops in the morning. He did leave the cocoa puffs so I ground a cup of them up and used them to sweeten the filling. I’ve always liked cocoa puffs. I knew they would be perfect in the pie and SO much better than the sugar you listed.
- I used the last of the garbanzo flour I had to thicken the filling. Flour is flour right? Except then I didn’t have any left to make the crust so for that I used powdered milk instead.
- I cut in the shortening just like your recipe called for, but when I added the water, well it turned incredibly gloppy, Joe.
- Then your directions called for me to roll it out. Joe, I think it would have been a little more accurate if you had said to spread the gloppy glue like paste onto the bottom of the pie pan.
- Speaking of which, I didn’t have a pie pan, so I took a spatula and spread the glop over an unheated pizza stone which I hear is really good for baking in case you were wondering.
- Next I spread the green filling on top. It was really runny. How come you didn’t say what to do about that, Joe?
- Then I put the pie into the oven, turned the heat on, baked for an hour just like your directions said, and sat down to play solitaire while I waited.
- Joe, the results were really disappointing. The filling never set up like your directions said it would but I let it cool and served it anyway since it was the big finish to our celebratory meal and everybody was waiting for Joe’s Best Apple Pie Ever.
Well Joe, it was horrible. Absolutely horrible and a waste of my time and ingredients. And you call yourself an expert! Hardly.
Signed,
A better baker than you
P.S. I think you should refund me the cost of the ingredients.
Clik here to view.
The Piechiatrist can’t promise psychiatric help. Pie help only and it’s free!
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